Sunday, August 1, 2010

Marriage and finding the right one

With the recent nuptials of some of my friends, I am wondering what is the appropriate age to get married? As well, I ask myself is marriage right thing for all? I could not help to notice Chelsea Clinton’s wedding spectacle in Rhinebeck, New York. Let’s face it; you would literally have to live under a rock to not be aware of Bill Clinton’s only offspring walk down the aisle. l remember when the Clintons moved into The White House with the awkward twelve year Chelsea following behind them. Yet, there she was repeating her vows as a beautiful confident adult. How did she come to this point? How did she know Marc Mezvinsky was the one? How does anyone know their choice of a mate is the one? What is your take marriage and finding the right one? Let me know your thoughts

12 comments:

  1. what is this oprah.. I didn't even notice Chelsea getting married...

    ReplyDelete
  2. I believe that the key to finding the right person is to first find out who you are as an individual. Often our selection process-- when seeking individuals to date is superficial--looks, occupation, body type, etc. Once we decide to show up as grown ups in our own lives we will have the ability to discern who and what is right for us in the long run...yes, we all want to be attracted to our spouse and we want them to be successful in their own right--but showing up as a grown up will also allow us to be active in our thoughts about other key elements such as...would I want this person to be the mother or father of my child; do I trust this person enough to comingle my life and assets with theirs; do I believe that this person has my back in good times and bad...if something tragic happened today that would change my tomorrow tremendously would that individual still be there; does this person encourage me to be the best person that I can be;

    Often the right person for us doesn't always come packaged the way we dreamed...but they always come packaged with what we as individuals need to complete our journey on this earth.

    So I guess my two points are: Are you ready for the short run or the long run in your personal life; and are you ready to show up as a grown up a commit to a healthy and committed relationship.

    tp

    ReplyDelete
  3. I have not had good examples of marriage, either from friends or from family members. So I have been a bit jaded in regards to marriage. I have begun to change my views somewhat, however I ’m still skeptical. Nevertheless, I feel that marriage can be a beautiful thing when it’s with the right person and for the right reasons. When you put kids, mortgage and other responsibilities into the mix it makes marriage much harder. Having someone who will is your soul mate and will always be there for you no matter what is a wonderful feeling. I look forward to one day being married and as scared as I am, I look forwards to the challenge.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi 35 and Counting,
    I read your comment and I was struck by the generalizations! Don’t get me wrong, your response to my post was warm and cuddly but it did not address the essence of my questions. I think we would like a more personal answer

    ReplyDelete
  5. I think finding the right person is different for everyone, but for me in the beginning 4 things have to come together:
    1. We both have to be emotionally ready - Its a commitment and we have to know that we are each in it for the good times and the bad.
    2. We have to be mentally ready - We have to know who we are as individuals before we can know who we are as a team.
    3. We have to be Spiritually ready - In God we trust.
    4. We have to be Financially ready - Self explanatory - Bills.

    When these four things come together, i believe you have found the right one.

    ReplyDelete
  6. WEC...

    My post to you wasn't meant to be warm and cuddly but to offer a perspective on the questions you posed. I don't believe there is a magical formula to happiness, to finding the right one or even some special age where you are either in it or not.

    What I do believe is that authenticity begets authenticity. There are many games that are being played by both sexes in the dating dance. Many women want to get married for the wrong reasons and many men are dodging the topic all together. There are also men that want to get married and women who don't.

    Unfortunately as a community of people, we seem to have the greatest issue with the institution of marriage. Although it is common that, despite race, many people are waiting a bit longer to get married--and I say this considering the ages that prior generations were married---our peers of other races are still embracing marriage as a viable option for their lives. This is becoming a major issue in the black community--because we tend to shack up instead of getting married. (Not all, but many) The strength of the black family unit is growning weaker and weaker because of the choices that people have made in the past, are making at an even more alarming rate in the present and God only knows what will happen in the future if we don't begin to make some changes in our lives.

    I got off on a bit of a tangent and I am back to say...no there is no age that is right across the board, that decision comes with an understanding of self and what you want out of life. We can't just get married because we hit a certain number that has been prescribed as THE AGE that you have to get married by. Is marriage right for all, NO it is not. If you know deep within self that you don't want to be in a committed relationship for the rest of your life...then don't do it. If you know you don't want to be responsbile for the life and well being of others--then don't do it. If you can't be emotionally, spiritually and physically present in the life of your spouse and if you choose to have them, your children...then don't do it. If you aren't ready to sacrifice and be seemingly self-less, transparent and sometimes vulnerable to love...then don't do it.

    The only way we can prepare ourselves for marriage is to be self aware. Again I say, what do you want out of this life? Are you ready to show up as a grown up and to accept the beauty and benefits of marriage but also to weather the storms that will show up in that same marriage. Because they will show up. For as perfect as a wedding day seems and for as happy as all that are in attendance are....it takes a great amount of work to keep the love and happiness alive in the marriage.

    I have to do this in two parts...too many characters. see part two in a separate post.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Part 2:

    On a personal note, I am not married. I hope to one day get married. While I am grounded and responsible and feel like I would make a great mother and wife, there are still some things that I need to work (or learn to manage)on as an individual. If I were to meet the man that is ordained for me tomorrow I could get married and would willingly do so knowing that I am not perfect and neither is he. How would I know him...well I am not a total believer in soul mates....there is just too much variablity to life for that to be totally true. I do believe that there are a few people out there that can be really good for me but the key is that I have to be ready to see them and they have to be ready to see me. That is why the ideals that we have in our heads about who that person is, what they look like, what they do for a living...are really of no consequence. We could be missing the person that is really good for us because they don't have long hair or a six pack; because they aren't a doctor or a lawyer. So instead of really good relationships we settle for shallow ones that are based on superficial qualities.

    The interesting thing about me is....I think that I have encountered three men in my life that would be really good for me and I for them. The first gentleman is a guy from my past. The timing was off...I was ready and he wasn't. There are two gentleman now that are a part of my life..we aren't dating but they are here in some form or fashion. One is pedigree...we match each other on many different elements--education, family structure, social connections, spiritual, etc. The other is a B-Boy--and the total opposite with the exception of the family structure and the spiritual.
    Which one will it be...who knows. I have some thoughts but I will see how life pans out for all of us. In the meantime, I am working on developing myself into the best person that I can be.

    35 and Counting

    ReplyDelete
  8. Nothing in life is certain, including love and marriage. It is a risk you have to be willing to take wholeheartedly. I don't think there is a right age or even time for that matter. I think when you find that one person you can't imagine living your life without, nothing else matters.

    ReplyDelete
  9. 35 and Counting: I love your replies and I would like to share them with my Facebook friends who really needs to read this.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Cute, you should direct your friends to share their opinions on WEC Notes!

    ReplyDelete